Boukenger 43: The Dangerous Christmas Present

Ah, it’s good to be back writing. I doubt any potential readers will agree. Have a happy new year, everyone!boukenger43-title

This is the story of how Satoru Akashi just wanted a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas, but it ended up turning into a giant rubber monster which then proceeded to shoot laser beams at his eyes, rendering him blind for all eternity, while gleefully shouting, “How about I give you laser eye surgery to improve your vision!” Ha! You wish the Boukenger Christmas special was that awesome!

Every year, Super Sentai has a Christmas-themed episode fairly late in its run, usually as a breather episode before the final story arcs kick in. Because of this, these episodes tend to range from pretty crazy to batshit insane. The episode in question is mostly the latter. And so what better way to celebrate the spirit of Christmas than by gathering in front of the TV (or more likely computer screen) and tuning in to the adventures of our favorite rainbow-colored adventurers? I know, most of you are answering, “Tuning in to the adventures of Bruce Willis in the Nakatomi Building”, but in this case we’ll have to settle for second best.

Just a taste of what we are in for, folks.

Just a taste of what we are in for, folks.


So the episode begins with Satoru Akashi, AKA Bouken Red, carrying a sucre cake he just bought, about to eat it with his friends. As usual, he’s complaining about that he has to all the dirty work. Happy Holidays, kids! Suddenly, a girl dressed up in a Santa costume falls from the sky, who Akashi catches. He also accidentally snatches a pendant of some sort, which the girl is quick to take back. When Akashi asks who she is, she tells him that she is actually Santa Claus, to which Akashi responds by believing that she is insane, which is a response that is surprisingly rarely seen in Super Sentai, ESPECIALLY this season. Unfortunately, in all the commotion, the sucre cake is ruined, and since it was the last one, that’s the one the Boukengers have to settle with. Naturally, the story of “it was smushed by Santa Claus who was a young girl wearing a miniskirt” doesn’t exactly inspire belief in the other Boukengers. Which is weird, considering all the other myths and legends in this show that the Boukengers do believe.
That moment when you threw the peanut too far for your mouth to catch.

That moment when you threw the peanut too far for your mouth to catch.


So Santa is celebrating that her job is done for the year, when she hears a child in distress. It’s some random brat who wants a cool robot toy. Somehow I feel as if she didn’t do that thorough a job. Anyway, all she has left are a REALLY cheap looking baby doll and a scary Golem-faced one. The episode first builds up the importance of the pendant from earlier while Santa leaves the second of the two remaining toys with the boy. The next morning, the boy checks his stocking, and finds the latter of the toys. Naturally, he thinks it’s lame. Wow. Someone is getting coal next year.
The excuse your parents came up with every time you didn't get a present you wanted.

The excuse your parents came up with every time you didn’t get a present you wanted.


As Santa wakes up the next morning, a high-pitched voice asks her for a present. This high-pitched voice, as it turns out, is Boukenger Big Bad Gajah doing a falsetto, something which provides more disturbing Christmas imagery than any Silent Night, Deadly Night movie could offer. Obviously, he actually wants a “Precious” that she is holding, as that’s pretty much all that Gajah lives for. He’s kind of a boring villain, really. Just about every other villain in this show was way more interesting.
Arch Priest Gajah, expert ladies' man.

Arch Priest Gajah, expert ladies’ man.


Meanwhile, back at SGS base, Makino has gotten another cake, but Mister Voice (Japan’s answer to Zordon) calls them up, telling them that Gajah has been sighted. Of course, they see the miniskirt Santa being hunted by Mooks, which they proceed to destory after morphing. While this is going on, of course miniskirt Santa is off being the worst kind of distressed damsel, the only role Rina Akiyama has ever played ever. After miniskirt Santa escapes from the conflict Bouken Red tells his teammates to clean up the rest of the Mooks while he “secures her”. Yeah, whatever that means. Bouken Black, AKA Masumi Inou, is just as confused as I am.
But who needs to comprehend the plot when you're the destroyer of worlds?

But who needs to comprehend the plot when you’re the destroyer of worlds?


Miniskirt Santa thinks she is safe, but Gajah sneaks up behind her and steals her bag, believing the Golem to be inside. He also takes her pendant, only to be interrupted by Bouken Red. So Gajah disappears with his Plot Convenience powers. Following is a pretty boring expository scene of miniskirt Santa revealing that the Golem is (big shock!) a precious, but since she gave it to the boy earlier, it’s safe for now. Back to what we really came for, which is a lot of wire stunts and spandex! After the rest of the mooks are cleared up, everyone else decides to return to base until Akashi calls them.

Speaking of Akashi, he’s having another expository conversation with miniskirt Santa about Golem, and how the pendant she was wearing is Golem’s control device. She reveals that she gave the Golem to a boy, to which Akashi gets pissed because, you know, giving a dangerous object to a little boy in a tokusatsu show is just asking for trouble. As Akashi is chewing her out, miniskirt Santa buries her face in her hands and says that she “hates Satorin” and starts weeping. Yeah, it’s as awkward as it sounds, both in and out of universe.

Hey, even bad guys need their teeth to sparkle!

Hey, even bad guys need their teeth to sparkle!


Meanwhile, in an absolutely hilarious scene, Gajah is, as usual, making a speech in his usual hammy style, talking about how he will use the Golem to take over the world (also reminding the forgetful little kids that the Questers Gai and Rei died extremely violent and explosive deaths at the hands of the Boukengers last episode), while stroking the BABY DOLL that he stole! I guess being asleep all these years might have distorted his sense of the difference between a Cabbage Patch Kid and the shit monster from Conker’s Bad Fur Day.
If there's anything this episode is good for, it's giving me new things to add to the "destroyer of worlds" gag.

If there’s anything this episode is good for, it’s giving me new things to add to the “destroyer of worlds” gag.


Meanwhile, Akashi is still hanging out with miniskirt Santa. And by “hang out” I mean give us 30 seconds of the two bonding (in a weaker reenactment of the Rainbow Cloth episode) before the plot kicks back in. Hey, it’s what happens when your main character’s a workaholic. There’s what I think is supposed to be a joke involving miniskirt Santa “forgetting” where she last left Golem, but because they go to the boy’s house the next scene anyway, it’s entirely pointless. Akashi gets the idea that the boy is showing his new “toy” off at the park and suggests to search there. But miniskirt Santa wants juice. Okay.
A rare screenshot of a character with her mouth closed.

A rare screenshot of a character with her mouth closed.


While everyone else is sitting on their asses eating cake and wondering how Akashi’s “date” is going, Makino finally gets information about Golem. What follows is more exposition about Bohemia and destruction, but the only real purpose of this scene is for the others to confirm that the Golem is indeed a Precious, a rare treasure that could be dangerous if in the wrong hands. Speaking of “the wrong hands”, Gajah is trying to cast his spell to control the Golem, but of course it doesn’t work on Shou, the most generic doll on the planet. Still, he manages to control Golem from a distance. As he is doing this, some kids are showing off their Christmas presents. The boy from earlier tosses Golem on the ground, because he’s an ungrateful little shithead who totally deserves to be run over by Golem driving a remote control car. The fact that Golem drives the car past two people (miniskirt Santa and Akashi) and they don’t immediately burst out laughing at the image is in itself hilarious.
He was metaphorically kicked in the nuts so hard it became literal.

He was metaphorically kicked in the nuts so hard it became literal.


So Akashi finally calls everyone, saying that he has located the Precious, and that it is active. Gajah, meanwhile, has found Golem, and successfully fuses the pendant on its forehead, turning into the man in a rubber suit that destroyed a country a long time ago. To demonstrate his immense power, Golem destroys the first CGI building that he sees. Akashi and miniskirt Santa are there, so Akashi morphs, and the two fight fight fight fight fight… and Akashi calls the sword man Zubaan out to fight fight fight fight fight… and the other Boukengers arrive in order to fight fight fight fight fight…. basically there’s a lot of fighting. But it doesn’t matter how much the Boukengers get their asses kicked, because they just do what they every episode and pull out the Dual Crusher to destroy the Golem anyway. Of course, Golem’s most powerful form is actually gigantic.
He has exactly one facial expression, and it can't be one that's healthy for your kids to see.

He has exactly one facial expression, and it can’t be one that’s healthy for your kids to see.


So while Golem is running amok through the town made of refreshingly old-fashioned practical models, Akashi asks miniskirt Santa if there is a way to defeat it. Miniskirt Santa responds with more expository shit about how the characters on the pendant say “truth”, but remove one and it says, “death” or whatever. I guess it makes sense to Akashi, though, because he calls upon the DaiVoyager and it turns into the DaiVoyager, while Eiji boards the SirenBuilder. Of course, the battle doesn’t initially go well, and all miniskirt Santa can do is cheer them on, which is as useful as anything she has done all episode.
Golem may be able to destroy countries, but he CANNOT do a Tales from the Riverbank stare.

Golem may be able to destroy countries, but he CANNOT do a Tales from the Riverbank stare.


So while Eiji distracts Golem, Akashi form switches to the GoGo Drill, for an accurate attack on the pendant on Golem’s forehead. This properly changes the characters on the pendant, and Golem is defeated. Gaja takes it as well as he usually does (by looking like his legs had a pleasant encounter with the skis inBaby Geniuses.
Gordom Civilization Priests just could never get the contact lens on properly.

Gordom Civilization Priests just could never get the contact lens on properly.


So Gaja walks off, mentioning that the power of Gordom is needed. This is foreshadowing the three-part season finale that starts next episode, but that’s all serious and shit, and we’re not here to be serious.

After all the madness is a cap scene involving everyone teasing Akashi about his “date” with miniskirt Santa. He denies it of course, but miniskirt Santa confirms it while skywriting “Merry Christmas” in the sky in glitter, in a gesture that will not create conspiracy theories or make headlines in any way. Of course, Sakura Nishihori, BoukenPink, is pissed. Cue “girl chases guy” ending.

Like a lot of Boukenger episodes, this one was made with the sole purpose of destroying anything that your brain deems to be sane or normal. If you love plots that make no sense, really REALLY hammy acting, and Christmas being treated with the joking respect that it deserves, then this blissful 22 minutes of screen time is for you! Be sure to consume package contents with heavy doses of eggnog and Power Rangers action figures.

Next week: It’s a movie recap! If I can find a file or something! Until then, see you, and don’t take the last sentence of that last paragraph too literally!

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OSMSSR: Episode 134 – Makoto’s Friendship! A Girl Who Adores a Pegasus

It’s dead week, meaning I have to study! Not that I’m going to…134-titleThe episode begins with all the Sailor Senshi at the fruit parlor. Yeah, the Inner Senshi are actually hanging out together again. How long has it been? They are discussing the book “Pegasus of the Moonlit Night”, about unrequited love between a Pegasus and a human woman. It sounds sappy to me, but in-universe the story is really acclaimed, and I believe that any subject can be done well, so why don’t I give it the benefit of the doubt? It turns out that Rei is the only one of the group who hasn’t actually read the story, and seeing that even Ami has been moved to tears by the book, she decides that she’s falling behind on the times. Obviously, Chibiusa is engaged as well, because she happens to actually know a Pegasus herself. “Know” is used loosely here, because that would once again imply Pegasus possessing a personality. At this point, the two have barely even interacted beyond, “Hey, you have new powers now. Use ’em.”

That moment when you don't the answer in Final Jeopardy.

That moment when you don’t the answer in Final Jeopardy.

So as it turns out, the author of the story, Tomoko Takase, used to be Makoto’s classmate before she moved to Jubaan. Usagi and Chibiusa’s reactions go exactly as expected: with the two overreacting to this “major secret” and Chibiusa and Luna using this as an opportunity to compare Usagi unfavorably with someone else. In fact, Mako was the one who originally convinced Tomoko to submit her story to a magazine. In a still image flashback sequence, Mako tells of how she used to read Tomoko’s stories, and tell her what she thought. This prompted her to submit, and the rest is history. So basically, Mako is the reason the novel even came out to begin with. Nice. Mako laments that she was never able to properly congratulate Tomoko on her success, what with switching schools and whatnot. And so Usagi suggests that they go get their books signed at an autograph session, so that Mako can get her chance to see Tomoko again. Of course, being Usagi, she really just wants an autograph for herself above anything else, but it was still considerate of her to invite Mako along, relatively speaking.

Sailor Moon, so cheap we recycle water droplets, too!

Sailor Moon, so cheap we recycle water droplets, too!

Meanwhile, the Amazon Trio are being chewed out by Zirconia, as usual. For once, Zirconia just outright assigns which person to go after, and doesn’t leave the choice to her idiotic employees. Obviously, the target in question is Tomoko, who the Trio all know because of her book. Hey, when you’re an evil villain, you take all the free time you can get. Amusingly, they describe sappy parts of the book, like the pegasus sacrificing his life for the woman he loves, and corny and stupid, which is exactly what I’d be doing to real life works of romance. But I’m totally not evil, I swear! Anyway, the obvious reason for Tomoko being chosen is that her story is about a Pegasus, so she might know a thing or two about the “real” Pegasus. It’s time for Tiger’s Eye to bust out his flawless technique again, complete with 0% success rate.

Gah! Do the artists know that this is for kids?

Gah! Do the artists know that this is for kids?

So after a scene of walking, and, get this, THE SAILOR SENSHI ACTUALLY INTERACTING, Mako runs up ahead to see Tomoko again, only to find a bajillion guys crowding her. Tiger’s Eye is nearby, thinking that this job will be easy, because literary types typically have a lot of admirers of the same gender. And this testimony is based on? You know, never mind, with your typical outfit, I’d imagine most of your admirers are a little X-chromosomally challenged. Seeing all the guys there, Tiger’s Eye gets the wrong idea and beats everyone up in a big comedic violence ball. Not sure why that’s there, it just feels out of place. Actually, all these guys are reporters, and they’re there to investigate Tomoko’s recent disappearance, as well as her apparent writer’s block. Mako takes it pretty hard, and runs off, insisting that Tomoko wouldn’t abandon her work.

Point being, you should never go to work without eating breakfast first.

Point being, artists should never go to work without eating breakfast first.

At a nearby tree in a park, Mako finds Tomoko, who recognizes her instantly and whose attitudes toward her don’t appear to have changed at all. Makoto rather bluntly calls Tomoko out for running away from her dream, but Tomoko says that it is because she “can’t write”. She talks about sitting and staring at her manuscript paper, with no words coming to mind. In tears, and continuing to state that she has no dreams anymore, Tomoko runs away. This is the first of Tomoko that we actually see, and in a few short seconds we are already introduced to her dilemma which is relatable and sympathetic. Also wonderful is the timelessness of the friendship between Mako and Tomoko, which has remained intact after all these years. The scene is never in your face about it, either. It simply plays out like it really would after seeing an old friend down in the dumps. Tiger’s Eye has been watching this scene unfold from the bushes again, effectively making him a male stalker at this point.

Whoah! Ever hear of private space, man?

Whoah! Ever hear of personal space, man?

Back at the fruit parlor, Mako is sitting, contemplating what could have happened to make someone like Tomoko, who loved writing novels, stop. Cut to another flashback sequence. It begins with a bunch of guys playing keep away with Tomoko’s manuscript, because in Sailor Moon, if you have a penis, you have no soul. Which raises questions about Mamoru Chiba’s privates. Mako shows up to scare them off, and reads the manuscript she just saved. Amusingly, this is more or less how Mako met Usagi, which just adds to the charm. Obviously, Mako likes the story, and encourages Tomoko to continue.

A demonstration of just how much the writing of this season is worth.

A demonstration of just how much the writing of this season is worth.


One commercial break later, still in the flashback, Tomoko is watching some random nameless jock playing soccer. Yup, it’s another romance story, though a little less over-the-top than usual. Mako notices this, and seeing that Tomoko doesn’t believe that a guy like… Nameless Soccer Guy would notice her, convinces her to submit her story to a magazine, and if it becomes a hit, then NSG is bound to take note of her then. Yup, Tomoko’s writing career was started because of a boy. Because what plot isn’t because of guys in this show?
Behold the glory of the soccer player so great he must not ever be named!

Behold the glory of the soccer player so great he must not ever be named!


So the flashback is over, and Chibiusa is missing. Who cares? Back at Tomoko’s place, the young writer is surrounded by crumpled up pieces of paper, crying her eyes out. Cut to yet another flashback, this time at an autograph session for “Pegasus of the Moonlit Night”. And who should show up at this session but Nameless Soccer Guy, with another girl at his arm! Back in the present, Tomoko is lamenting that no matter how many stories she writes, no one will ever truly understand her. Damn. That’s just sad. No other comment required.
Not that that'll stop this chatterbox from doing so.

Not that that’ll stop this chatterbox from doing so.


So Chibiusa was at Tomoko’s house the whole time. How did she know where Tomoko lives? Did Mako tell her? ‘Cause that’s kind of a dick move for a close friend. Anyway, Chibiusa tells Tomoko of how her story has touched her, because she knows that someone had the same dream as she did about a Pegasus. Rather confused, Tomoko continues to sulk, insisting that she can’t write. However, Mako has made it to the scene, too, and she confronts Tomoko, saying that even if only one person reads her stories, she should continue to write just for that one person, because that was her dream that got her started writing stories to begin with. After that applause-worthy speech, it seems that Tomoko is coming around, but of course, who should ruin it but goddamn Tiger’s Eye, whose only purpose is still to interrupt far more interesting plotlines.
The glare on the glasses is not getting you any "totally not a stalker" points, if that's what you're wondering.

The glare on the glasses is not getting you any “totally not a stalker” points, if that’s what you’re wondering.


Tiger’s Eye introduces himself as Taiga, an editor of Dead Publishing, the most innocent and least suspicious name for any organization, even one that’s not trying to take over the world. Obviously Tomoko has never heard of the fictional (in-universe) Dead Publishing, so the name is quite meaningful. Tiger’s Eye thinks to himself that authors who are cooped up in their rooms all day tend to fall in love with their editors, hence the disguise. Every episode, I feel more and more that Tiger’s Eye entered the villain business solely as compensation.
Wouldn't that just give her heartburn rather than charm her?

Wouldn’t that just give her heartburn rather than charm her?


So Tiger’s Eye pretty much immediately ditches the whole “charming Tomoko” thing and reveals himself, and his outfit is so flashy that the conservative Tomoko can’t take it and screams. Cue Sailor Jupiter and Moon and Chibi Moon’s henshin sequences. As Tiger’s Eye prepares to look inside Tomoko’s dream mirror, he nearly gets hit with Jupiter’s Sparkling Wide Pressure, who foregoes the pretentious speeches and flat out tells Tiger’s Eye that she won’t let him lay a finger on Tomoko. Which, needless to say, is badass. Of course, the pretentious speeches are left to Sailor Moon and Chibi Moon, who climbed a nearby house just to look cooler while spewing out “in the name of the moon!” Which is significantly less badass, unfortunately.
I see no one next door was awake to see two Sailor Senshi on their roof, loudly proclaiming their heroic intent.

I see no one next door was awake to see two Sailor Senshi on their roof, loudly proclaiming their heroic intent.


This time the Lemure is Tenko, a monster with a time bomb on her head. Just because. Her first action is to tie all three Senshi up with chains. Sailor Jupiter rather stupidly tries to retaliate with Supreme Thunder, which of course only serves to electrocute the three girls. Tiger’s Eye looks at Tomoko’s dreams (meaning Jupiter completely failed at what she said she would do), but finds no Pegasus. So Tenko finally puts her head-bomb to use, by setting the timer and throwing the bomb down at the trapped Senshi. So, when the Senshi are trapped in a seemingly hopeless situation, with no way to get out, who else should come but walking deus-ex-machina Tuxedo Kamen, who hasn’t been in this episode at all until now? Speaking of pretentious speeches… Anyway, Sailor Jupiter throws the time bomb back at Tenko right when it explodes, which blasts her to the ground, creating a very Tenko-shaped hole. Time for the final blow once again!
They've been shocked into Adult Swim character designs!

They’ve been shocked into Adult Swim character designs!


While Chibiusa calls upon Pegasus, Tomoko briefly regains consciousness, and sees the winged horse flying through the air. After the attack concludes like ten minutes later, Tenko is defeated and Tiger’s Eye leaves, apparently “not caring anymore”. Great, does that mean we can get someone with a less annoying voice to be the villain next time? After the fight, Tomoko tells Mako that she has seen a real Pegasus, and this inspires her to write stories again, this time for the sake of everyone who loves reading them. Before Mako leaves, Tomoko asks her to be the first to read her next story when it’s finished, which Mako gladly agrees to. Tomoko’s next story is called “Pegasus Fantasy” (probably a better one than this season has been giving us), and it is “dedicated to my dear friend Mako, and everyone who has a dream”. D’awwwwwwww…

This episode is absolutely fantastic. I can’t even begin to praise it enough. In a season that has so far been filled with throwaway characters and dull plots, here we finally have a character in Tomoko Takase who feels really fleshed out as an individual, with a complete character arc. This isn’t just some petty love dispute going on, here; Tomoko has identifiable problems that the viewer wants to see her overcome. Everyone has has at least one phase when it feels like nothing ever goes right, and the inspiration just doesn’t hit, and the essence of these feelings are captured perfectly in this character. Makoto is phenomenal here as well, not hesitating to step in and help her friend through a crisis. The enduring friendship between the two girls is a joy to witness, and the satisfaction of seeing Tomoko overcome her inner demons is matched only by her regained sense of loyalty and trust in Mako. For a season that preaches “dreams are awesome” more than it actually shows it, here is an episode that truly celebrates dreamers and all that they stand for. The only real drawback is that once again, the Amazon Trio seem to get in the way more than anything else, but the rest of the episode is so well-done that I can easily forgive this. This episode is at least in my top 20 of the entire series, if not my top 10. Episodes like this make me proud to be a fan, and make slogging through the swamp of episodes before it more than worth it.
Next week is finals week for me, meaning no post. But I shall return. With weapons.

OSMSSR: Episode 133 – Artemis’ Affair? A Mysterious Kitten Appears

Spoiler alert: this “mysterious kitten” has no bearing on the plot whatsoever! Are you surprised by this point?133-titleThe episode begins with Mamoru helping Usagi and Chibiusa with their studies. Naturally, this evolves into a fight between the two girls. Mamoru, of course, quickly gets fed up and tells the girls he will leave if they don’t take studying seriously. Chibiusa goes on an amusing tirade about how if Mamoru “neglects” here like this, she will end up not finding a husband in the future and living a lonely life. I am definitely reminded of Calvin and Hobbes here, in a good way. Of course, it doesn’t take long for the fight to resume.

Toei reacting to Super S's ratings.

Toei reacting to Super S’s ratings.

Luna and Artemis come in, with Luna informing the three of Artemis apparently having fallen in love with a beautiful nun at the Juban Church, though Artemis insists that that is a misunderstanding. As Mamoru leaves with Artemis in tow, Usagi and Chibiusa start talking about how they feel sorry for Artemis after having been caught looking at someone other than his one true love, Luna. Luna, being an unfeeling bitch, starts to feel rather awkward. Meanwhile, Artemis continues to insist that the whole nun thing was a misunderstanding, when a kitten appears yelling, “Father!” at him. She introduces herself as Diana, and has a crescent shaped symbol on her head, just like Artemis. Basically, this is a REALLY bad time for this to happen…

And in addition to gawking at women, he set Luna on fire!

And in addition to gawking at women, he set Luna on fire!

So of course, the classic misunderstanding occurs, and Artemis gets his ass kicked, just like in every other episode. In addition, Diana now has fond memories of witnessing domestic abuse to reflect on when she gets older. Meanwhile, at the Zirconian Circus, the Amazon Trio partakes in random filler actions that are completely unnecessary and don’t affect anything plotwise. So, basically, it’s business as usual. All that really happens in this scene is the Trio gets chewed out, which happens every other episode anyway. So basically, this scene is pure filler. Excellent.

In the next bar scene, the Trio continue to talk about how much their lives suck or whatever, and ultimately decide that Tiger’s Eye’s next target should be that nun Artemis was supposedly gawking at earlier, as she would have to be pure and just and everything. Speaking of the nun, Usagi and Chibiusa watch her pray in the next scene. Purpose? Logic? There is none to be found here.

Apparently, monochrome eyes are a thing in this universe.

Apparently, monochrome eyes are a thing in this universe.

In the next scene, Artemis returns home to Minako, who seems somewhat less cheery than usual. As Mina hints about Artemis hiding something from her, Artemis tries to guess what it is, apologizing for things like eating a cake that she had been saving, breaking her favorite glass, and muddying up her favorite ribbon, all of which she hilariously didn’t even realize Artemis had done anyway. So do Mina’s parents routinely break her stuff, too? Because Artemis would otherwise be the only possible culprit for all of those. Of course, she’s actually talking about the call she just got from Usagi, saying that Artemis had a child without anyone else knowing. Resulting is Minako hamming it up to the extreme to make Artemis feel like a piece of shit. And it is glorious. Artemis, you make the world a happier place the more you suffer.

Hey, I thought Makoto was the one who summoned lightning!

She’s so mad, she stole Sailor Jupiter’s powers!

So the Senshi are holding a big party thing for Luna, because the best thing to do when you’re depressed is overeat. It certainly explains why everyone in this show is thin enough to be a model. While the other girls try to cheer Luna up, Usagi mostly asks Luna if she can some food with her. Typical. And then she wonders if something is up between Artemis and Luna. Leading to more denial from Luna. Man, Luna sure doesn’t like romance. Moving on.

Whoah. Thought-provoking stuff here!

Whoah. Thought-provoking stuff here!

Meanwhile, the nun is out praying or something, and Tiger’s Eye pays her a visit. She’s putting up a wreath of flowers, which she says is “the work of our Lord”. I’m sure whoever made those flowers is pretty annoyed right now. After some more pretentious speeches about how the Lord loves everyone and stuff, Tiger’s Eye pretends to hear words from God about how you should “love thy neighbor” and to love even sinners. Tiger’s Eye finally reveals himself with, “I have every right to be loved, because I am… A SINNER!!!” Okay, it’s not that dramatic, but it’s pretty cool nonetheless. Too bad he kinda ruins it by pouncing on her in a suggestive position, shouting, “Now love me!”

Clearly what Tiger's Eye is doing is so horrible it had to be censored by shadow! "Love me" indeed...

Clearly what Tiger’s Eye is doing is so horrible it had to be censored by shadow! “Love me” indeed…

Artemis is the one to notice the catastrophe this time, as he is out to prove his innocence in the whole father thing. Like the good Samaritan that he is, he tries to help out the nun first. The nun tries fending off Tiger’s Eye with a cross, and it seems like it’s working, but Tiger’s Eye then says, “Just kidding. You watch too many movies!” Wow. Tiger’s Eye, you just went way up in my book. So the usual dream looking stuff happens. I wonder what the nun’s beautiful dream is supposed to be. To love everyone? That’s good, I guess. Around here is when Artemis shows up. Tiger’s Eye reacts by getting mad that Artemis almost scratched his face. That’s how fearsome Artemis is: make him mad, and he’ll scratch your face!

And so the cross fell into the black void of nothingness that all forgotten objects in anime fall into, never to be seen again.

And so the cross fell into the black void of nothingness that all forgotten objects in anime fall into, never to be seen again.

Sailor Venus is there, too, and she makes another “in the name of the moon” speech, except bashing Artemis as well as Tiger’s Eye. Poor cat can never catch a break. Tiger’s Eye’s Lemure this time is Kigurumiko, a giant plush. Kigurumiko’s move is turning into… a kangaroo boxer. Now that’s just fantastic. If only I actually knew anything about Tekken, then I could have made a disposable, lame reference to that franchise! Now I must wallow in guilt for all eternity!

Male character attempts to be useful in Sailor Moon. Result is pictured above.

Male character attempts to be useful in Sailor Moon. Result is pictured above.

So the first move that kangaroo boxer Kigurumiko attempts is… Kangaroo Kick? Is that allowed in boxing? I don’t remember being able to kick in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!! But that’s only a game, so what do I know? Anyway, after Tiger’s Eye looks at the (still unnamed) nun’s dream, to find that Pegasus is of course not there, Artemis once again tries to pull a Mamoru Chiba by scratching Tiger’s Eye’s hand, an attack that would be a little more effective if Artemis had poisoned claws or something, but no; aside from being able to talk, Artemis is more or less a normal cat. So he follows through on the pulling a Mamoru Chiba thing by getting captured by Kigurumiko. So now Artemis is Kigurumiko’s partner. Because didn’t you know, kangaroo boxers need those to be more powerful!

Man, Ralphie Parker sure had some weird dreams involving that bunny suit he got that one Christmas.

Man, Ralphie Parker sure had some weird dreams involving that bunny suit he got that one Christmas.

So after Sailor Venus attacks Kigurumiko with Venus Love-Me Chain, it’s revealed that Artemis is now the same body as Kigurumiko, so any injury that Kigurumiko takes will also be inflicted on Artemis. This makes attacking Kigurumiko a little less of a priority, and Venus gets punched square in the jaw. But fortunately for her, backup comes in the form of the rest of the Inner Senshi, only two of whose transformations are shown (can you guess which two?). And those two Senshi are the only ones who say, “We’ll punish you!” Once again, the Inner Senshi are treated with as much dignity as possible. After Kigurumiko still image attacks the Senshi, Luna is the only one who actually bothers to attack the kangaroo, resulting in…

In case you thought Kung Fu Panda did it first.

In case you thought Kung Fu Panda did it first.

As Kigurumiko is trying to Double-Triple-Whatever-Kick Luna, Artemis finally regains some control of himself and bites her pouch, causing her to miss Luna and instinctively throw Artemis out of her pouch. Because they no longer have to worry about harming Artemis… Tuxedo Kamen shows up for no reason and throws a rose at Kigurumiko. Yay. Actually, he is here for a reason: to transport Diana to the scene to clear things up. Since Diana really has no reason to exist anyway, we’ll just say that Tuxedo Kamen’s intervention is, as usual, completely pointless. Moving on to the attack that can actually do lasting impact, Moon Gorgeous Meditation.

Hey! That theme won't be used until like 20 episodes later (in other words, an eternity).

Hey! That theme won’t be used until like 15 episodes later (in other words, an eternity).

Meanwhile, the nun sees through a wedding ceremony, a plot point that you totally should have cared about. Man, not even a character arc or anything resembling a personality. This nun definitely got screwed in the one-shot character department. So all the Inner Senshi are coming to terms with the fact that Diana is Artemis and Luna’s child from the future. She’s also good friends with Chibiusa, which is never a good sign for any character. As Minako puts it, “You two are going to end up in ‘that’ kind of relationship,” which is kids’ show speak for “You two are going to bang each other!” Luna continues to deny having feelings for Artemis, even at the possible expense of Diana’s very existence, because Artemis was checking the nun out earlier. Artemis finally decides to grow a spine for once and tells Luna that he was actually admiring the church, not the nun. And so everything is tied up, and Mamoru gets to joke about how much more deep shit Artemis is going to get into (even though Diana is generally a lot more demure than Chibiusa). And everyone laughs. The end.

What else needs to be said? This is the very definition of a guilty pleasure episode. Nothing about it renders it as necessary viewing, but who cares? It’s twenty minutes of Artemis getting his butt kicked, by Luna, by Minako, and he even gets his soul fused with a boxing kangaroo! Given all of that, is there any point in analyzing the nonexistent characters and plot? This one gets a thumbs up from me!

Next time: A more traditionally “good” episode in Episode 134: Makoto’s Friendship! A Girl Who Adores a Pegasus